Gosh September really flew by

I can't believe October is only two days away. Before we blink we will be celebrating a new year.

Today I am sad, I didn't wake up sad, actually I was fine, but without any warning, without any blinking lights, and without permission my mood goes from up to down. That's the way its been, I function, I do daily activities, heck some days I even have fun, but there is always that aching feeling, that feeling that I will explode with emotions so broken that someone will have to glue me back together. Its going to be four months soon, four months of having to remind my self every single day that Eric is dead.

I have to write a thing for my journal class for tomorrow, What role did Eric have in our lives and what role do I feel I need to fill now that he is gone. I don't really have any role that I feel I need to fill. I can't be the brother, I can't be the son, I can't be the uncle that he should of or could have been. I guess the mother-in-law if he ever married, the grandmother?

I miss him, this I know, I miss not calling him when I see a house that looks good to buy, or discussing certain things we use to discuss. I still have his phone, I call it every now and then just to hear his voice mail, just to hear his voice. When I see a white van I look, hey maybe that's Eric driving by, but its not. Every now and then I smell his smell, or I smell funeral flowers, and I know he is near me. Or the bathroom door clicks ever so slightly. (he used the bathroom alot when he was here>)

There is no way to go around this pain, its here and will be for quite sometime, each day I find ways to avoid it, but each day I get brought right back down to it. Knowing I have to face it scares the hell out of me. So I avoid it, I pretend, I ignore, my therapist says that won't work forever. What the heck does she know?

Last week I wanted it all to go away, Boy do I know how Eric felt his last night, you just want to make the pain go away even for just a little while. You just want to find some sort of peace, some kind of medicine to take away this flu type aching symptoms you have.

One bright spot and this actually made me smile and feel good, last week Joshua was acting out at bed time, Now he and Eric had this teasing each other type relationship, well after about two times getting told by his mother to get back to bed, Joshua told his mother that Eric was in their kitchen teasing him. Now Joshua is six so for him to make this up doesn't make sense. And That is so something Eric would do, tease him cause he had to go to bed... It feels good every now and then that Eric makes his presence still known, its not the same as the physical alive Eric but he is here.

Today's thought

Pay Attention to today. "Do what is necessary-here and now." The compliment you mean to give, the time together you keep putting off, the resolution of an old pain you yearn to talk about but haven't got around to-these are the things to attend to, before its to late.

uggh

As I write this I have a feeling the tears will flow, good thing its not paper otherwise it would get all stained and mucky

This has been a rough week. First there is much needed work to be done at the temple with the High Holidays and can I just say the usually nice, calm, level headed lady that I usually work with was replaced by some overstressed, emotional demon. WOW is all I can say I am glad its almost over and we can get back to our smooth and comfortable work place.

Wednesday I had a therapy session, and then at night I went to a grief journaling class. IT is a 9 week class. This class brought me down, very down. I feel so alone. I know there are many around me, yet I feel alone. At home I am often alone as Scott is always out, and when he is here well not much communication or any sort of emotional support. I suppose he is not sure what or how to reach me.

Anyways, I felt so bad after I left this group. There was about 20 people who lost someone, whether it be a spouse, a parent, a sibling. But there was one lady, who just sat there and cried, and just to look at her face I knew. I knew by the glazed, empty look on her face that she lost a child. I could not look at her. And when we went around the room to express who we lost I couldn't look at her. I knew I would be looking at me. I knew I should have reached out to her during the break, she just lost her son in August, he was 23, and he too gave up his life. For the rest of the session I just looked at the table, I did not want to look at anyone. The rest of the group was showing emotion, crying, etc: me I couldn't I just sat there staring at the table. Honestly, I didn't want to hear about anyone else's pain or suffering. Gosh that is so not like me, I feel so selfish and uncaring. Even in a room of twenty I felt alone. It was like the usual humored, caring Jeannette left the room and in her place sat this uncaring, unemotional bag of yuck.

My therapist wants to know how I am handling the grief. Honestly I am not handling the grief, I think somehow I am stuck in the back of my mind and I am in pretend mode. Only that's not working too well as I think its starting to creep to the front burner and I am afraid the fire will be very powerful. Maybe that's it, I don't want to deal with the pain. That pain hurts and is strong and it cripples you. I don't like that feeling. Yesterday I came home and went to bed, at 4 pm. I stayed there and only just got up an hour ago. Now my back hurts and I have a migraine. And I am sad and once again alone as Scott left to go who knows where. He probably is glad he has places to go. after all when he is here we both just skirt around each other. What a happy place to be...

I had to include this photo, just as Scott began to take the photo I gave my mom a rasberry. See how proud I was I am the baby of the family can you tell?

My two sisters and I and my mom, we were having lunch for all our birthday's. My moms bd is Sept 6th, mine is the 5th, and my one sister in the black shirt, (barbara) is the 12th. But wait, Samantha's is the 6th, my niece in NC is the 6th, Erics is the 9th, my husbands gf is the 8th, Scotts brothers is the 12th. My niece in NC is the 15th.

Scott came with us, I never know how I am going to feel so I bring him with me most places.

this past weekend we had a surprise BD party for my sister Barbara, it was nice to see her smiling, she really was surprised up until the last minute or two. We have four milestones this year, Samantha is 20, Becky is turning 30 in Oct, Barbara turned 60 and my mom turned 85..

wow they are all getting older, not me I am still in my 30's. ha ha

Wednesday is Erics Birthday

Happy Birthday Eric!

We love you, we know your around we can feel your presence

Thank you God for giving me 32 years with Eric

Tomorrow is Samantha's 20th Birthday!

so in celebration and because I am such a proud mom this post is dedicated strictly to her ---Samantha is a gift from God to me. You see, after I married Samantha's dad in 1985, I got pregnant with Adam, Adam for whatever reason was born without any lungs and he was also born as what they call dwarfism. He only lived for a month before he passed. About 3-4 months later I got pregnant again. In about my fifth month it was determined that the baby I was carrying was once again going to die, so I had a theraputic abortion. This was so painful and scary as I actually had to deliver the baby even though it was dead. She was a girl, and secretly I named her Sara. This was Not something I was proud of, but I did not want Eric, Becky & Kevin and everyone else to go through the same heartache again. For whatever reason the combined genes of myself and my then husband was causing this. In 1989 I once again got pregnant, I did not plan on this, nor did I know I was pregnant until about the 3rd month. When I called the High risk obgyn that I had with the last pregnancy he said quote unquote, "I have a good feeling about this pregnancy" and that was before he even saw me or saw any tests. And so on Sept 6, 1989, Samantha arrived. Healthy and beautiful. And so it began, 20 wonderful years with a gift from God, that when she smiles and laughs it lights up a room.