Miserable at its best

the wear and tear of my life has finally caught up with me and now I am just a miserable person and no matter which direction I turn I feel sadness and emptiness.

A man's spirit sustains him

Which pain is worse is the subject of my devotion today. Emotional or physical? Like you I've faced both, I am currently dealing with bursitis in my hip. Some days I can distract myself and the pain fades into my distraction. Other days the pain sits (no punt intended) on the front burner and no matter what position or way I walk or move will ease the pain.
some days I deal with both, crushing physical pain with no position in which I can get comfortable, crushing heartache in which my head spins with grief and I can't get away from the pain.
While physical pain can be distracted, inside suffering is another matter. You can't put mental anguish or heartache behind you. Those hurts create an emptiness that refuses to be pushed or crowded out of your thoughts. It bites, gnaws, grinds away at your sanity.
Feeling like your heart has been stomped on; your feelings have been trampled. A slandered reputation, a love relationship spurned...painful memories of abuse. I am convinced emotional pain is much worse than physical pain. But I am also convinced it does something to our heart that physical pain often cant'. Inner anguish melts the heart, making our souls pliable and bendable. Because we can't drive it from our thoughts, hopefully it will force you to embrace God out of desperate, urgent need.

A man's spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?

Proverbs 18:14

The month of August is flying by, we will be in December before we know it. This is my second week of trying to cut back my food budget and still eat healthy. Sunday was spaghetti day, it was also family day, we shared with 7 people, spaghetti and meatballs, salad, home made ice tea, ( I am told it's every ones favorite) and great family time.) for dessert I made brownies and homemade blueberry cupcakes with real whip cream . (they were good). From this meal I sent home food with my son and also had leftovers Monday night also with salad.

 I was watching a show in the middle of the night (since sleeping all night is a rare event now) and it was on nutrition. The person said your salad should be your biggest part of your meal, not the side dish. Hm mm that made sense. but it shouldn't just be greens and tomatoes, it should also be fruit, and nuts. The reason the nuts should be added to salad and not as a occasional snack is because the nuts help absorb the vitamins from the salad. Wow that makes sense. So my new challenge is to make a bigger salad and cut back on rest of meal. I can see getting bored very easily with the same salad every night so research will be done to provide interesting combos. While this is not my salad it will be this week.

Okay back to my menu and budget. Monday was suppose to be meatball subs with salad and fruit, but hubby already had spaghetti cooked and so that's what we ate, I put the small leftover sauce in freezer which equaled to about  pint. This will be used at a later time for english muffin or bagel pizzas as a side with soup or salad.

Tuesday my husband brought home fried chicken, not sure why, I didn't ask, I also made chicken soup, so our meal was chicken and soup. It was another rainy day so the soup hit the spot. Wednesday I made London Broil, Baked potatoes, zucchine on the grill (from garden) and corn on cob. From this meal again I fed 7 people.

Thursday I was in and out all day, cooking was not in my mood. My husband went to a baseball game with the grandsons and my son. So my meal, gosh this is so bad, a pint yup a pint of Cherri Garcia ice cream from Ben and Jerri's, I swear I did not mean to have a whole pint, and I've never taken a spoon and eaten out of the container, but I did and well it's gone. I topped this off with cheese and crackers and a peach. AND we wonder why I didn't sleep well?

Tonight I am making beef lo mien with leftover steak from my daughter, she didn't know what to do with it.. aah the secrets of using up leftovers. I love beef lo mien and its so easy to make and not that expensive. Recipe for Beef and Broccoli lo mein is here: http://familyfun.go.com/recipes/beef-and-broccoli-lo-mein-685945/

my total this week for all groceries and I didn't separate what was food and what was other stuff was $122 and change. I did stock up on a few household items like laundry and cleaning as all were on sale and of course I had coupons so I made great use of both. I think that what I bought for groceries was still in the $80 range. And again some of this food bought will be used in future meals. I did use the chicken from the soup to make chicken salad for some lunches, I also boiled eggs for hard boiled to use for either lunches or with breakfast.

Meal planning and eating healthy

My goal this week, was to feed us for under $12.00 per day for all meals, Us includes myself, my husband and sending leftovers up to other family members. In order to provide my menu and how I managed this, I have to do a bit of rewind, the first week of August my husband went to our butcher and bought a 24 lb box of assorted meats. This cost $100.00, it is around this box of meat that I planned what we would eat. What I did, is for each type of meat I wrote down as many different meals that I could think of. Example: Chicken breasts: breaded, on sandwiches, in salads, Parmed etc;, I did the same for london broil, ground beef and pork.
Each meal would hopefully provide another nights meal either in a different capacity or as it was. I also planned a lunch or two. (of course all laid out plans can and will go up in smoke at a moments notice)

This week went like this:
Monday: Breaded boneless chicken, rice, sauted spinach and garlic, watermelon and blueberries
Tuesday: Breaded Fish, leftover rice and sliced cucumbers
Now Tuesday was suppose to be Spaghetti and meatballs but due to my uncontroled schedule that did not happen
Wednesday we used leftover breaded chicken to make sandwiches on hardrolls with lettuce, tomato and melted cheese. homemade pickles, chips and cut up peaches were the sides
Thursday: well as I said all laid out plans go up in smoke, the Fireman's fair started, my husband had to be there at 6 and he eats there, so my dinner was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, glass of milk and a peach,, it tasted like heaven!

Tonight we will eat at fair, The meatballs which are cooked will go in freezer as I don't see the sauce getting prepared now until Sunday, that will be the beginning of next weeks meals

My total for the food needed for this week and some of this food and staples will be used for other meals was $87.42 now this is not the $12.00 I planned but its not that far off either I was only .48 cents over. My goal is to cut our costs, eat 3 healthy meals, and I think this has been accomplished.

Encouragement towards others

Encourage one another daily as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sins deceitfulness
Hebrews 3:13
Encouragement has never filled a flat tire, encouragement has never made a car payment, nor fixed a broken washing machine. But encouragement from another gives us the strength to do what we feel we cannot do, hold on when we feel we cannot hold on, and try what we might not dare to try. Encouragement doesn't sound like much, but it's everything to someone who may need it.

What can you do today, just Today to encourage another?

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

And then there are days

Two years and still I am waiting, wondering why I haven't heard from Eric, I see him often in my dreams, I see photos, I find cards he gave me, its a daily mind boggling challenge. I found my flash drive yesterday and decided to see what was on it, I forgot that Kevin put photos from Eric's computer on it, I saw these two and they spoke to me, the top one is one of Eric's last trips to Costa Rica, he really enjoyed that trip, the second photo is almost saying to me "Look Ma" (he called me ma) I am in a peaceful place. look at the beauty around me."
Eric rarely smiled, hate having his photo taken, in these photos he is smiling. He was at peace. I will never know what caused the sadness that took over his heart. Was it a chemical imbalance, was it too many prescription medications, was it the environment he was living in. I will say probably all impacted the final results. It doesn't really matter at this point what the final straw way that caused so much pain in one's soul that sleep was the only answer. A sleep that was permanent, I truly believed he thought someone would find him, this in his mind was a desperate attempt to seek help. He had visited many doctors in the months prior to his death, as he thought he had some sort of disease. Someone who was so troubled by thinking he was terminally ill (he wasn't) would not have gone through so much trouble seeking medical help if he wanted to die. His mind was so troubled, so disoriented, he would call me 2 in the morning to say he was having a panic attack, I would speak calmly to him, and he would then say he was better. He was in a very troubled relationship, he couldn't see that the person he was with was causing most of the dysfunction, he couldn't see that he needed to get away from that person.
Not a day goes by that a thought of Eric, a photo of Eric or a mention of Eric still makes me sad, still takes my breath away. Thoughts can come at the oddest moment, the weirdest time, anything will trigger a memory of when he was little or a conversation, a gift, some day or time that had Eric in it. Is this my mind playing tricks, or is it Eric giving me that thought? I see pennies in oddest places, I like to think Eric is giving me a sign.
I do know I am in a healthier place, but I also know that until the day I die, I will always be thinking of my final day with Eric and how broken his heart was

Choosing the Best

Read Luke 10:38-42

Seek first [God's] kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
-Matthew 6:33 (NIV)

RECENTLY while I was weeding my garden, I saw half a dozen sturdy yellow sprouts that didn't look like any of the vegetables I had planted. After investigating, I realized that they were pumpkin plants, growing from seeds that had been in the compost I added to the soil. At first I was excited; pumpkins are delicious! I quickly remembered, though, that pumpkins are plants that could easily take over my small garden, leaving no room for anything else.

Every day since then, I've found more pumpkin seedlings -- sometimes as many as 30 in one day! I'm allowing one plant to grow, but the others I diligently remove.

Like my garden, I have limited space; I also have limited time. If I'm not careful, even good things -- like the pumpkin plants in my garden -- can easily take too much of my life, leaving no room for better things. Work is good, but it's not always the best choice. Tending relationships with friends is good, but spending time with friends is not always the best use of time. To have a balanced life, I need to check my heart as I check my garden to make sure that good activities are not crowding out the best in my life.

Amy Peterson (Arkansas, USA)

Dear God, help us to cultivate our hearts and lives wisely, giving space and time to what is most important. Teach us to seek your kingdom and righteousness above all else. Amen.

Chart how you've spent your time in the last week. What priorities does your chart reveal?