Eric rarely smiled, hate having his photo taken, in these photos he is smiling. He was at peace. I will never know what caused the sadness that took over his heart. Was it a chemical imbalance, was it too many prescription medications, was it the environment he was living in. I will say probably all impacted the final results. It doesn't really matter at this point what the final straw way that caused so much pain in one's soul that sleep was the only answer. A sleep that was permanent, I truly believed he thought someone would find him, this in his mind was a desperate attempt to seek help. He had visited many doctors in the months prior to his death, as he thought he had some sort of disease. Someone who was so troubled by thinking he was terminally ill (he wasn't) would not have gone through so much trouble seeking medical help if he wanted to die. His mind was so troubled, so disoriented, he would call me 2 in the morning to say he was having a panic attack, I would speak calmly to him, and he would then say he was better. He was in a very troubled relationship, he couldn't see that the person he was with was causing most of the dysfunction, he couldn't see that he needed to get away from that person.
Not a day goes by that a thought of Eric, a photo of Eric or a mention of Eric still makes me sad, still takes my breath away. Thoughts can come at the oddest moment, the weirdest time, anything will trigger a memory of when he was little or a conversation, a gift, some day or time that had Eric in it. Is this my mind playing tricks, or is it Eric giving me that thought? I see pennies in oddest places, I like to think Eric is giving me a sign.
I do know I am in a healthier place, but I also know that until the day I die, I will always be thinking of my final day with Eric and how broken his heart was
5 comments:
I know that you probably don't want to hear from me, but you break my heart. Somewhere and at some place, your heart has to believe and embrace that he is at peace. It is not the way you wanted, but he is at peace. The loss will always be there. I had to accept that I would never understand the reasons, but I had to accept what had happened and believe with all my heart that my son had found the peace that he couldn't find here. It isn't a perfect answer but you can decide whether you want there to be one victim or two.
I miss him so much too.
We are victims in that we had no choice. So Eric's death left many victims.
But we have to go on and not live like victims, but it still hurts so much everyday!!!
I don't consider myself a victim, just a mom and person who misses her child. I don't see anything wrong with that, I am still participating in life and I am still functioning as needed. I haven't asborbed myself so deeply that I am over consumed, but every now and and than I take a few steps backwards
I can't even phathom the amount of pain you must be enduring. Losing a child is not the way the circle of life is intended. I'm glad you were able to find these pictures of your son smiling. I believe they were meant to be found.
Heart breaking. I am so sorry for your loss.
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