We all walk different roads, but Christ brings us all to God

Neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor.
1 Corinthians 3:7-8

Glory the Lord with me, Let us exalt his name together
Psalm 34:3

Lord, help us to trust your guidance in our lives and in the lives of those we love
Amen

What the heck is back to normal

That's what I heard my husband say last night to our Pastor on the phone, see he is now my screener for all visitors and phone calls. What on earth is back to normal?
I am watching through my front door, life is going on, you see there is a contest at the firehouse today for our fire dept and six other local fire departments. The street is busy. People are walking, talking, laughing and here I am thinking I should be out there having fun, should be doing the same walking, talking, laughing


I keep going back to June 16, which ironically was my other sons birthday that passed away. I was at the funeral polar seeing Eric for the first time since he passed. He was lying on a cold metal table, his eyes closed, his face still. He was gone, and the only thing I could do was cry, and kiss him goodbye. We had the funeral polar dress him in his everyday clothes, no suit for him, his sunglasses in his hands, his hat on his head. That was Eric, no formality's, no big fanfare, no colored clothing, I use to tease him that Black and Brown was not a color. That he should put some color in his wardrobe.

On Thursday of that week, we had his viewing. I am in awe of how many people came to the funeral polar. Just in the guest book alone there were over 220 signatures. the first viewing was light but still busy. I must have been hugged sooo many times. Too many. After awhile if felt unreal. The second viewing was endless. The amount of people that waited in line just to see Eric and say goodbye was overwhelming. I had so many friends of Eric that some I remembered from childhood, some were new some I heard of. At one point one of his closest friends and one of the few that last saw him alive came to where I was, he started balling his eyes, so I held him, I really thought he was going down on the ground.. I took his hand and brought him to the coffin, and then I asked someone behind me to get his three other closest friends, for about five minutes, (it seemed like five) I held these four men, as they all cried, that to me was about the only part that I actually felt good about. Helping these men say goodbye to a friend they all knew since grade school.

The next day many many people gathered in my church for the funeral service. There we so many pall bearers it was kind of amusing. My pastor did a beautiful service, including many of the notes I had some of the visitors from the night before write out. You see I wanted good memories of Eric shared, so I left a basket with index cards near the guest book table, we asked anyone who wanted to share, leave a thought, a memory or just a whatever about Eric. The Rabbi from the temple that I work at also came to do Kaddish. After the service a lunch was prepared by my daughters church and my church. Three different churches, different denominations working together. That to me was awesome. I kept thinking, there has got to be a joke in this, A Rabbi, and Two pastors...
When I went downstairs where the lunch was, one of my church members came over to me and asked me if I felt better? What? I wasn't sick you stupid ass, I just watched my son leave only to never ever see him again. No I didn't say that out loud. Gosh if only...


So how does one get back to normal? My husband said to me last night and not sure if he was joking, what was normal before this? He is right, life in my world is not normal. I try to live the right way, I pray, I believe, I have faith but yet there is always that black cloud that lingers. Something that always causes me to say why?

The day I left for North Carolina, the last day I saw my son, my sister and I went to pick up the rental car. As we were driving she asked me how I was, and how on earth I was managing? I said well faith and God gets me through. She said its a good thing you can let God handle this. I said jokingly well I asked God to take all these problems in my life and He said, no way and threw them all back at me. I then said God said you have too much for even me to deal with."" Of course I was joking but I have to wonder sometimes.

It won't be long now, he's on the way;
he'll show up most any minute.
But anyone who is right with me thrives on loyal trust;
if he cuts and runs, I won't be very happy.
But we're not quitters who lose out. Oh, no! We'll stay with it and survive, trusting all the way.
Hebrews 10:32-34
The message

Sunday June 14

This started out as a good day, I was still visiting in North Carolina, although we stayed in Virginia. We had found a church within walking distance from the Hotel and my two sisters and I decided we would attend the 10:30 service. I walked into this church like I owned it, friendly smiling, shaking hands, to the point that some of the people thought I was a member- I just was so in the mood to share Gods love and wanted to let others know that..
When the Pastor came out my sisters and I looked at each other and started smirking. You see he didn't look like what we think of as pastors, he had long hair, a gruffy beard and well was quite the character. I was thinking oh goodness if mom was here she would be getting that disgusted look on her face, like what did Jeannette drag me too now?
The sermon was gosh now I don't remember, but what I do remember and think back how odd was one of the ladies of the church got up to read a book to the children during the childrens service. Here is an excert from the book:

"I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there's gum in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped on the skateboard and by mistake I dropped my sweater in the sink while the water was running and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day." The book was called Alexander and the terrible, horrible day
So begin the trials and tribulations of the irascible Alexander, who has been earning the sympathy of readers since 1972. People of all ages have terrible, horrible days, and Alexander offers us the cranky commiseration we crave as well as a reminder that things may not be all that bad.

After church service we walked past this small hamburger/ice cream place. We decided to call the hotel and let Samantha and my sisters husband that we would be going there for lunch and to come and join us. Lunch was funny as some of the food was not food we had ever seen. including Hush puppies and Hotdogs that were almost a neon pink.
Then we visited my niece and her family as the purpose of this trip was to celebrate my grand nieces hs graduation.

Yet all day, I had this odd sensation, what really was odd and now I look back and know it was a sign, ( I am sure some do not believe of those that have passed sending messages but I do)
My niece that passed in 2006, loved dragon flys, I saw several that day, but the oddest was whenever she wanted to send her mom a I need to talk message she would start the conversation out with "have you spoke to Matilda today?", twice we saw that name written, once on the window at church and then again someplace else.
several times on Sunday I called Eric, but unfortunately my cell was not working in the area we were in. I got texts from Becky, and Scott both asking if I had heard from him. The last I spoke to him was on Saturday, he said he was going to buy dogfood.
Sunday night we retired to our hotel around 8:30 pm, I was very wired and decided to take a Advil PM, we had agreed that we would leave by 7 am so Sam and I was packing our suitcases. At 9 pm the phone rang and I knew. I didn't know what I knew but I knew. Scott was shouting on the phone, now not to get side tracked but someone really needs to teach him how to deliver bad news. He is terrible at it. I couldn't tell what he was saying but it didn't matter. I knew. He told me that Kevin found Eric and his car, I started screaming, there was a scream in me that I never heard, it was like a sucker punch in the heart. I hung up, and then Sam started screaming. I told her to run down to my sisters room and get them. By the time they got back I was answering the phone again, this time I handed it to my BIL, he said they weren't sure if Eric was gone, and I said, he's gone I can feel it.
We decided to leave and drive home, I did not want to wait until morning, besides sleep wouldn't come anyways. My BIL would is disabled and can barely walk or move packed up the rest of my stuff. We (or should I say I) drove home. Yup I had to drive what else could I do. I had to stay focused on something else until I got home. After awhile though I did give up the wheel, we arrived home about 5 am. That will be one ride I will never forget

Thank you, Lord, for being our protector! Thank you for watching out over us. Help us not to run from you, Lord, but to run TO you!

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Psalm 32:7

What not to say to a grieving person

"are you feeling better?"

"How are you today?"

"Baby steps, you need to take baby steps"

"One day at a time"

"He is in a better place"

"It would have happened anyways"

"Good thing you still have your other children"

and my most favorite:

"AS soon as you get over this!"

June 11, 2009_Thursday

If only I could go back to this day, they say you can't go back, my brain knows that but my heart well that is another story. You see if I could go back I would have not packed I would not have left. I would have stayed in NJ and stayed with my son. He needed me. I left. So to make things even he left. Only he will never ever be able to return. we will never know if it was done accidentally, or if Eric did not think this through, we will never know.

You see on that Thursday, he cried, he said he would not make it through the weekend. I heard him, I had heard this many times in the past 4 months. I called my family & said I wasn't traveling, that I was canceling my trip. I did I really did, but by the next day he sounded better, so I left. A decision I will never ever forgive myself for. Sure everyone says it would have happened anyways. How on earth do they know that, if they were so sure of predicting the future why didn't they tell me to stay home? I know without any doubt that had I stayed in NJ he would have called me just like he did every single time he was in pain, or needed to be calmed down. you see I had a plan, when I came back I was going to try different things, I was going to stay at his house and show him how to be alone. (he was afraid of being alone) not because he was squirmy or scared of the dark, but because he needed people around him.
I was going to get more help, I even ordered more of my own depression meds so he could try them. We discussed this and both agreed that we had the same chemistry and maybe it would get him out of this darkness he was in. I had a plan, it would have worked
But Eric was not a patient person, he did things at times without thinking them through, he wanted immediate results. In the state he was in logic was not there. He was not in a good place to make any decisions. that is why I was going to do whatever it took to get him help.
He was reaching out daily to me, his family. He did not want to die, he would not have drawings in his home of a new and redesigned kitchen just done a month ago. He would not have bought a motorcycle, or filled his tank up with gas the same day he left us. He would not have books out from the library on how to make things better.
He would not have called me at 2 am, or at 7 am if he did not want to be here. He just wanted to stop hurting. He would call, I would calm him down, or tell him to come over. He would lay on my couch, watch tv, eat, whatever he needed to feel better. When he was here his face got lighter, he sometimes laughed, and sometimes he cried. But he was here. Some days he was so dark, you couldn't find him in his eyes. These were the days I worked extra hard on getting him to come back to our side. You see I was able to do that. AS long as I was here. But I left.
Honestly part of me wanted to leave, I needed a break. Four months of lifting your son out of a dark pit was overwhelming. I needed a break. Alls I kept thinking was I will take this break and then when I got back I will find my son in this dark whole and bring him back to us. My chance is gone
If only I could go back

"For he will deliver the needy when he cries for help, The afflicted also, and him who has no helper." Psalm 72:12 (NASB)

God, we do not understand suffering, but we are grateful that You have promised to be with us in the midst of it. Let Your words be a comfort to my friends in this time of tears. 'Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.' In Jesus mighty name. Amen