June 11, 2009_Thursday

If only I could go back to this day, they say you can't go back, my brain knows that but my heart well that is another story. You see if I could go back I would have not packed I would not have left. I would have stayed in NJ and stayed with my son. He needed me. I left. So to make things even he left. Only he will never ever be able to return. we will never know if it was done accidentally, or if Eric did not think this through, we will never know.

You see on that Thursday, he cried, he said he would not make it through the weekend. I heard him, I had heard this many times in the past 4 months. I called my family & said I wasn't traveling, that I was canceling my trip. I did I really did, but by the next day he sounded better, so I left. A decision I will never ever forgive myself for. Sure everyone says it would have happened anyways. How on earth do they know that, if they were so sure of predicting the future why didn't they tell me to stay home? I know without any doubt that had I stayed in NJ he would have called me just like he did every single time he was in pain, or needed to be calmed down. you see I had a plan, when I came back I was going to try different things, I was going to stay at his house and show him how to be alone. (he was afraid of being alone) not because he was squirmy or scared of the dark, but because he needed people around him.
I was going to get more help, I even ordered more of my own depression meds so he could try them. We discussed this and both agreed that we had the same chemistry and maybe it would get him out of this darkness he was in. I had a plan, it would have worked
But Eric was not a patient person, he did things at times without thinking them through, he wanted immediate results. In the state he was in logic was not there. He was not in a good place to make any decisions. that is why I was going to do whatever it took to get him help.
He was reaching out daily to me, his family. He did not want to die, he would not have drawings in his home of a new and redesigned kitchen just done a month ago. He would not have bought a motorcycle, or filled his tank up with gas the same day he left us. He would not have books out from the library on how to make things better.
He would not have called me at 2 am, or at 7 am if he did not want to be here. He just wanted to stop hurting. He would call, I would calm him down, or tell him to come over. He would lay on my couch, watch tv, eat, whatever he needed to feel better. When he was here his face got lighter, he sometimes laughed, and sometimes he cried. But he was here. Some days he was so dark, you couldn't find him in his eyes. These were the days I worked extra hard on getting him to come back to our side. You see I was able to do that. AS long as I was here. But I left.
Honestly part of me wanted to leave, I needed a break. Four months of lifting your son out of a dark pit was overwhelming. I needed a break. Alls I kept thinking was I will take this break and then when I got back I will find my son in this dark whole and bring him back to us. My chance is gone
If only I could go back

"For he will deliver the needy when he cries for help, The afflicted also, and him who has no helper." Psalm 72:12 (NASB)

God, we do not understand suffering, but we are grateful that You have promised to be with us in the midst of it. Let Your words be a comfort to my friends in this time of tears. 'Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.' In Jesus mighty name. Amen