I am watching through my front door, life is going on, you see there is a contest at the firehouse today for our fire dept and six other local fire departments. The street is busy. People are walking, talking, laughing and here I am thinking I should be out there having fun, should be doing the same walking, talking, laughing
I keep going back to June 16, which ironically was my other sons birthday that passed away. I was at the funeral polar seeing Eric for the first time since he passed. He was lying on a cold metal table, his eyes closed, his face still. He was gone, and the only thing I could do was cry, and kiss him goodbye. We had the funeral polar dress him in his everyday clothes, no suit for him, his sunglasses in his hands, his hat on his head. That was Eric, no formality's, no big fanfare, no colored clothing, I use to tease him that Black and Brown was not a color. That he should put some color in his wardrobe.
On Thursday of that week, we had his viewing. I am in awe of how many people came to the funeral polar. Just in the guest book alone there were over 220 signatures. the first viewing was light but still busy. I must have been hugged sooo many times. Too many. After awhile if felt unreal. The second viewing was endless. The amount of people that waited in line just to see Eric and say goodbye was overwhelming. I had so many friends of Eric that some I remembered from childhood, some were new some I heard of. At one point one of his closest friends and one of the few that last saw him alive came to where I was, he started balling his eyes, so I held him, I really thought he was going down on the ground.. I took his hand and brought him to the coffin, and then I asked someone behind me to get his three other closest friends, for about five minutes, (it seemed like five) I held these four men, as they all cried, that to me was about the only part that I actually felt good about. Helping these men say goodbye to a friend they all knew since grade school.
The next day many many people gathered in my church for the funeral service. There we so many pall bearers it was kind of amusing. My pastor did a beautiful service, including many of the notes I had some of the visitors from the night before write out. You see I wanted good memories of Eric shared, so I left a basket with index cards near the guest book table, we asked anyone who wanted to share, leave a thought, a memory or just a whatever about Eric. The Rabbi from the temple that I work at also came to do Kaddish. After the service a lunch was prepared by my daughters church and my church. Three different churches, different denominations working together. That to me was awesome. I kept thinking, there has got to be a joke in this, A Rabbi, and Two pastors...
When I went downstairs where the lunch was, one of my church members came over to me and asked me if I felt better? What? I wasn't sick you stupid ass, I just watched my son leave only to never ever see him again. No I didn't say that out loud. Gosh if only...
So how does one get back to normal? My husband said to me last night and not sure if he was joking, what was normal before this? He is right, life in my world is not normal. I try to live the right way, I pray, I believe, I have faith but yet there is always that black cloud that lingers. Something that always causes me to say why?
The day I left for North Carolina, the last day I saw my son, my sister and I went to pick up the rental car. As we were driving she asked me how I was, and how on earth I was managing? I said well faith and God gets me through. She said its a good thing you can let God handle this. I said jokingly well I asked God to take all these problems in my life and He said, no way and threw them all back at me. I then said God said you have too much for even me to deal with."" Of course I was joking but I have to wonder sometimes.
It won't be long now, he's on the way;
he'll show up most any minute.
But anyone who is right with me thrives on loyal trust;
if he cuts and runs, I won't be very happy.
But we're not quitters who lose out. Oh, no! We'll stay with it and survive, trusting all the way.
Hebrews 10:32-34
The message
2 comments:
I am glad you are still blogging as well. I love you!
i think it's very important to feel the feelings. i know my situation is nothing like yours, but i told everyone i would not take the pills they all wanted me to. i wanted to be fully present to feel everything and walk through it. i know it hurts like Hell, and you want to scream at God and say what were you thinking, damn, i never thought you would let that happen. but it did happen and somehow you have to make sense of how you are feeling. and my own thought is that you can't do that UNLESS you really feel it.
i don't have any answers. i do find it absolutely amazing that in times of grief we can forget the differences in our religions and recognize that we all started out in the same place. if only the whole world situation could be handled that way. you all are so blessed to have had that feeling, from your Christian churches as well as from your Jewish friends. i think it makes God smile when He looks as us and realizes we do sometimes remember His word and do the right things.
i hope you all are finding someone to talk to....it helps. and yes, keep the darn tissues handy because there will always be something that sets you off. but i think it's healing.
love you all
sylvia
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