Life is still moving

yet I am not. I am in survivor mode. Some say it will take a year before you can even start to feel again. A year, no way I can't live like this for a year. I can honestly say this is the absolute worse feeling ever. It feels like the part of me that gave birth to Eric was ripped out of my soul. The tears come, there is no rhyme or reason. I just know boxes of tissues will be bought and kept in all places.

The other day I saw a white van, anytime I saw a white van I would look at the driver to see if it was Eric, I did the same as usual, and then I had to pull over and cry. I realized that it would never be Eric again.

We went to church on Sunday as a family, the mass was for Eric, it wasn't our church nor was it our religion. But we went, I realize now in my mind I must have thought Eric would be there, or somehow maybe he would be brought back to life. Goodness the mind really does play awful tricks on you when its broken.

I hate being in this fog of pain. I wish there was a fast forward button, the sad thing is I have a feeling this is only the sample of what is to come. We still have so much to deal with and its only been two weeks.

Becky says on her blog she likes to sleep, I do understand that feeling, sleep even for a short while lets you forget. Only now my sleep comes with panic attacks, bad dreams and Eric reaching out to me. Sometimes I hear my cell phone ringing, I wake up to answer only it never really rang.

Well lets see how today goes...at least I have Joshua with me to keep me busy and to listen too, I won't be able to talk as he doesn't leave much air space for anyone else to speak..