I spoke to a grief counseler the other day, I wanted to sign up for this 7 week writing course. She said it was too soon. That most people wait for at least 4 months for any type of counseling. I wonder why? I would think the sooner you explore and wander through this emotional roller coaster the sooner you can get to the other side. Is there another side?
The past two days have been hard, not sure why, maybe the so called shock that everyone speaks of is wearing off. If thats the case can I have the shock back. I keep thinking what the heck am I going to do if someone else dies while I am in this state. How will I handle it? I pray that Scotts grandfather doesn't pass as I won't be able to help or console anyone. You see I am usually the consoler, the one that supplies the humor, the one that gives what I can to make others feel better.
Yesterday I went to pick up Eric's ashes, I have been avoiding it as I didn't know what to expect. Well let me tell you, I thought when I saw Eric lying on a table cold and lifeless that was the worse. Nope picking up what use to be your child in a small box is even worse.
If anyone can think back to a time when your child was lost in a store, or didn't come home and you didn't know where they were, or they got into a fender bender, imagine that loss of breath and pain you felt of the uncertainty, the not knowing if they were okay, mulitply that by 100 times. only in those cases the end was okay, in this case you feel like you can't breath, your heart is not whole anymore. You know you have other children that need you now but most of your energy is spent just existing on a minute to minute basis.
I just want my son to come through the door, I want to say I am sorry for leaving you, that I should have stayed home. I thought you would be okay, until I got back what on earth was I thinking.
I don't understand this life I am in, I really don't. I know I am here for a purpose, but for what. My life started with turmoil and crap. I grew up with pain and suffering, abuse, I was told to be strong that it would make me a better person, but I wasn't being strong I was just hiding all the pain, then I became an adult and continued with turmoil and stupidty And now my children are hurting because of my life. So what is my purpose, to cause pain to others?
5 comments:
Jeanette:
I am worried about you.
The shock is wearing off and it's tough---tougher than anything I've ever been through. I say a prayer for you everyday.
I'm saying this now and mean it with the greatest respect and love:
I can think of worse...what if you didn't know where Eric was? What if he just disappeared one day and you were left to pick up the pieces and look for him? Never knowing if he were alive or dead? Never knowing if he were at peace or in pain? Hungry, cold, lost? Wondering day in and day out where he could be...going to sleep at night with unimaginable nightmares.... at the least you do know where he is...no longer in pain, no longer doubting anything, safe in the arms of God.
Of course you want Eric to come through the door...that's ok to think this way.
And please don't think that your children are hurting because of your life. Our God doesn't work that way---He would not hold against them something we may have done...that's not my God and not yours either. He does have a purpose and we may never,ever know it. You are loved and respected by many and you have no idea how many lives you may touch in the future. You were thoughtful enough to send me a card after my surgery--that small gesture made my day--just knowing that somewhere out in this world there was someone I had never even met, that cared enough about me to send a card...it brought tears to me eyes.
And no, you don't cause pain to others, don't even think that!!--you are a good, God-fearing, caring, wonderful woman that is going through a horrific time in her life...many people love you.....we are all special in His eyes.
I hope that I did not say anything to upset you in any way..I would NEVER harm or disrespect you. But I am worried about you....please reach out to someone---try another counselor......or talk to us....we love you, you know.
Deborah
Hey Jeannette,
I have been thinking and praying for you all yesterday and today. I am so sorry you have to go through this.
I feel bad that I am so far away, and the only thing I can do is pray. I don't write much, because I don't know what words even to say.
You are a wonderful mother and I have always admired your beautiful kids. They are so good looking, very respectful, and very family oriented. No one can ever miss Eric as much as you do and will. From the pictures you are posting, I am remembering that Eric had an adventurous life and has done so many exciting things.
The funny thing about being a parent I am coming to realize is that God gives us these beautiful children, but we get no instruction book. They each have their own personalities, interests, and attitude towards life. We only can relate to them from what we know, have learned and from how we feel about things. We do the best we can and prayer a lot.
It is hard not to second guess ourselves and think, if only I had done this, or that and replay different scenarios in our head.
Rationally, we know we did the best we could. My suggestion to you is give yourself time to think and then give yourself time during the day when you don't think. Do something totally physical where you don't have time to think. When you start thinking, tell yourself, "Oh Yeah, this is my hour not to think. Yesterday I took a Salsa dance class, and I was so busy for that hour, I had no time to think.
Love you so much. I think you are one of the most caring persons I know. Like many New Jersey and East Coast people who are sometimes a little gruff sometimes, but you know that person would give the shirt off their back for you. Your sisters know that about you, your mom does and your kids all know or knew that about you!!!!.
Finally, I love what Marion (Uncle Johnny's sister), would always tell me, "that was yesterday". Despite the pain of the past, you have made yourself into such a beautiful woman. We all have.
Sorry for all the words, but again because I am so far away, can't do anything else, and I really don't know what to say, because there are NO WORDS!!!.
If there is anything dilip and I can do, please let us know.
Jeannette
You are never far from my heart. I wish I had some words of wisdom to give you but I don't. I literally slogged through many days. I think that I was at about 4 months when I first went for counseling. One of the first questions that she asked was "What was the hardest thing for you" and my immedient answer was "Beth". I have lived through it and all I can do is be here for you. I don't have answers. I am not sure there are answers. Something inside them was broken. The will to survive is so strong that people who have suffered beyond comprehension things, want to live. Our children chose to end their lives. Something inside was broken, that all the love in the world couldn't fix. You are not to blame, I am not to blame. It was their decision. I wish that I could say something that would make it better, I can't. Bit know that if you need me. I am right here for you.
Love and prayers Donna
Jeanette
I am thinking of you. I guess perhaps I'm like the well meaning but probably woefully inadequate clergy & church members - not really knowing what to say to help.
I guess the only thing I can say is that there was a very very dark time in my life where I was in the deepest depression but at the time, of course, I just couldn't see it. People that are hurting that much can barely cope with day to day life, they don't really have the strength and where-with-all to pull themselves up and assess what on earth is wrong with them.
I don't talk about that time in my life much cos it was horrible. So dark, so very painful and I was numb, I just couldn't see my way through it all. All I remember about that time was that I wished I could go to sleep and never ever wake up again. Night time was the worst for me, I wanted to walk outside, walk across the desert mountains in my night gown in the middle of the snowy freezing winter and never come back. I didn't care less what happened to me.
Being in such a dark place, it's no ones fault. Especially the parents. It's not your fault any of this happened. Even if you had of stayed there my dear friend, there would have been other times, other chances for Eric to feel like not going on. Please don't blame yourself. And your life is not causing pain to your kids. Ultimately, even when we are in the midst of such darkness, it's still our own choice.
When people are hurting that much I truly feel that they don't know what they are doing. They don't realise the consequences for their families but they are doing the only thing they can to ease the pain.
Well, I feel like I may be rambling now. I guess I just want to say I don't know your side of things but I can understand part of Eric's side of things. Don't know that it makes it any better but I'm just sharing.
I don't think that you have to wait for counselling. Why's that? I think you should do what feels right for you. Maybe that's a bit of counselling now, then a break, then maybe more after 4 months or even more. It's all about doing what's right for you.
Please take care of yourself & go hide under the blankets for a while if that helps you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
You are loved Jeanette!
Hi, Jeannette,
I also wonder why the grief counsellor said it was too soon. My experience with grief is that sometimes i am more ready to delve deeper into it sooner and sometimes later. Then again, i never talked to a counsellor, i just made my way.
I see grief as an abyss and sometimes i'm falling deeply into it, and sometimes i hang out on a ledge for awhile. Then i fall some more. Sometimes i climb up a bit then fall down again. Lather, rinse, repeat. After a length of time, i don't feel so raw, and i learn to readjust to the new reality. I have moments where i don't do well, and i've learned that it's okay for me to be sad during those times. I don't talk much about it, cause who wants to hear all about dead people? It's bad enough when an older person goes on and on about this one and that one, but when you're under 30 and do it, people think you're nuts. So i just learned to shut up and grieve privately.
I had a very rough year the year i was 19, a trauma a month pretty much. I remember thinking the same thing, What will i do when next month's trauma arises?
None was the loss of a child, and as i've said before, i think that has a unique pain and grief category, and i think those who left after someone commits suicide are also in a unique pain/grief place. Together, it serves up and incredible double whammy.
My year of traumas left me feeling shellshocked. I knew at some point, the shock would wear off and i'd be in a very sad place. I was, and it took years for me to recover. I found out though, that sometimes, in the midst of the sh8tstorm, i was able to reach out and help others. Sometimes, when i wasn't, others were able to reach out and help, and they may never have had the opportunity if i weren't in such a bad way. It was very humbling to see that others could really rise to the occasion and take care of things. Someimes even take care of me. It was okay that i wasn't wearing the superhero cape. Weird, but okay.
Cold comfort, but i'm glad that you and Eric were on speaking terms. That he knew you loved him. That you did everything you could to try to help him.
megan
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