That's what it feels like, I am stuck in a time warp. Life is moving, I am moving but where am I going? Life just feels like a big bowl of emptiness.
Yesterday was a relive it day, Samantha posted on her face book page "she didn't want to be Samantha anymore" well that just renewed all the anxiety and scared feelings. Everything surfaced and boy was it ever painful. I was at work and trying not to cry at work is a big challenge. I wanted to leave but that is not always possible either
Becky went and sat with Samantha, and that may have put a band aid on her feelings but her feelings are so raw and well I guess just like the rest of my kids. Empty, hurt, sad, feeling alone,
she thinks because she is 19 she is an adult, does she not know that even at 50 we are not completely adults. She keeps saying she needs to handle this on her own, I asked her "how is that working for you"
How on earth do you handle this on your own when you have no idea what or how, where is the instruction booklet on how to handle death, especially a family member that takes their own life?
I still haven't rapped my head around Eric being dead, its so surreal, so weird, like i will wake up and its a bad bad dream
Anyways back to Samantha, She said to me that she didn't know who she was anymore or what or how she was suppose to be, she pretty much summed up exactly my feelings.
Oh and I swear if one more person says to me "one day at a time" I promise I am going to hurt someone or something. Like seriously who can do more than one day at a time, who can do three days at a time? What a stupid, stupid phrase-- and "baby steps" no seriously like did I do giant steps before? Okay guess I am trying to insert some sort of humor, its not really working is it?
My feelings are all over the place and some days I pretend life is the same, other days it hits me like a sucker punch. Today is the sucker punch day, yesterday started and most likely will stay this way for a few days. That's the crappy part, life is so priceless and here I am stuck in a time warp with raw, unpredictable, scary, pain feelings.
Well maybe I will feel better after I go buy three new kitty litter boxes and fill them and then remove all the lovely presents one of the cats left for me all over the basement, yup that's a sure fire way to improve ones mood
oh gosh I am so all over the map today
6 comments:
if you click on the photo and count the toes you will count six on each foot
I love you!
I've been praying, but know you are having a horrible time, I don't have answers just time to pray..so I will.
When this happened with my mom, not a thing could prepare us for it, and nothing could take away the sharp stinging pain,it is still here, but doesn't pop up as often as it did in 1971..yes, 1971 a long long time ago. Now I can laugh at silly things and not cry at the drop of a hat, oor someone saying something that reminds me of her. All I know is what I went through, but she was my Mom, not my little boy. No comparison..so I am going to just keep praying for you. Also, I have thought of you so dang often and wondered how your day is going etc.
Now that I have internet, I will keep up with you better. Take care (which is another stupid saying..what else will we do) and I'll check in later. Going to pick fruit today the possibly put it up later on.
Love to you..
Tina
Ok, Jeannette,
I promise, no tacky comments.
How about some truth straight from the mouth of God Almighty:
"I will never leave you nor forsake you."
"Casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you."
"When my father and my mother (son?) forsake me, then the Lord will take me up."
"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."
"God is our refuge and strength; a very present help in time of trouble.." Read the rest of Psalm 46.
Please tell God all about it. David did - read his blogs from 1000 BC in Psalms.
Lots of love surrounding you today.
Teresa
well i love the idea of calling David's words his blog.......
Jeannette, and yet you took the time to send me that lovely card with the promise we are all granted. you are wonderful. i know, and yet i don't know, that the pain is terrible...i guess i'm just proud of you for feeling the pain and walking through it. i don't want to say any of those words that don't mean anything. just know i pray daily for you and your family.
love
Sylvia
Jeannette,
I'm praying for you and your family daily. Thank you so much for sending me that get well card. I treasure it. Thank you for being here in spite of the pain I know you must feel.
Love,
Winnie
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