What a struggle

The title of my blog is to have faith in all circumstances, that's not always easy. When your struggling daily to accept the fact that a child you gave birth too, is no longer on this earth. You see photos, you see reminders, just the other day I found his birth certificate in my draw. You think and know you gave birth, you see the photos you remember his voice, his touch, yet he is not here anymore. People tell me you have memories, he will always be in your heart, that doesn't make much sense to me as Eric has always been in my heart, and I want more memories. My last few days have been a struggle to even put my feet on the floor. This overwhelming feeling sucks. Just when you think your heading in a better direction you get side swiped by emotions and the whole reality of it all. My girls are both struggling, my son Kevin well we don't even know what his thought process is. He found his brother dead, he blames himself, he is mad at his brother for bringing on this pain to all of us. I know myself if I found my son dead I probably would be in a mental institution. I don't know if I am that strong and trust me I am strong. Easter will be here in a few days, I keep thinking Jesus was 33 when he was murdered, my son was 33 when he took his life. I don't know why that seems to strike me as odd but it does. Of course this will be another Holiday where a family photo will be missing one of our family. And then there will be Mother's day, I don't even want to think about it, Each year at the very last hour, Eric would go and buy the biggest bouquet of flowers, and I would think how beautiful but what a waste of money, as they would often die a few days later. He never was good at buying gifts, he would fumble, stumble, ask me at the last minute what should I get this person or that one. I remember one year I said I wanted a flat of flowers for mother's day as I didn't want him to waste the money on the bouquet, that mothers day weekend I had gone out, and when I got home no lie there was about 10 flats of flowers on my front porch. You can just imagine the grumbling I did trying to find places to plant all those flowers... Last Mother's day I had to preach at church, it was the last time I preached, the first time ever Eric came to hear me. We had a brunch in the church afterwards, the photo of Eric looks so sad, he looks almost like he was already dead. Why didn't I see that? I was so happy that day, seeing my children all in the same pew, (except Samantha she had to work) but if felt good. I prayed that some of my sermon would maybe help Eric, maybe something I said would reach him. But I know when your in such a dark sad place, its hard for anything to reach you. I can understand being in that sad dark place, it's hard to get out of. It's hard as a mother wanting to be with the child you lost, but still wanting to be with the children that are still here. So trying to remain faithful is a challenge, but I know in my heart through Him all things are possible. As I sort through this grief and sadness I know God is with me, his hands lead me...his love will guide us and give us the strength and courage we all need to keep going.
Sermon from May 10, 2009
http://momnfour48.blogspot.com/2009/05/sermon-for-may-10-john-15-1-8.html