This is Eric and Jason, this was the day we had Joshua's bd gathering, it was the first time I ever saw Eric sing, when we sing Happy Birthday it always becomes comedy routine, well the kids were singing it
funny and Eric joined
right in, he was laughing too! Gosh its been one month since Eric has passed. Time went quickly yet it seems to have been standing still. I still keep thinking this is somebody else's family and I am just observing from the side. I have to remind myself that it is Eric that has passed and physically I will never see him again. Thank God for my memories and thoughts of him
The weird thing is every since I brought home his ashes, I feel at peace, or am I just in denial, or just playing dumb. I talk to him, I've put some pictures around his ashes and its almost like he is here with me. I have started having strange occurrences around the house and when I am driving, sometimes it feels like he is sitting next to me as he had done so many times in the past four months. That is when we would talk and I would try to calm him down.
Yesterday I had Becky, Kevin and Samantha, for dinner, we had Sam's boyfriend and Scott and Joshua and Jason as well, I wanted everyone here for the 1 month anniversary, now mind you I don't normally have the radio on while we are eating as one I think its distracting and two I usually can't hear it as the radio is in the kitchen and not in the dining area, well yesterday while I was cooking I put the radio on, I didn't turn it off when we sat to eat, as I was serving the dinner a song came on that we played at Eric's funeral, we all stared at each other and said there was no way that was a coincident..
This morning I was reading my scriptures and writing, I kept saying to myself okay if this is really Eric sending me messages I want to see his name somewhere, (this is going to freak you out) well I know his name is not in the bible (not that I am aware of) but Joshua's middle name is Eric, and sure enough my scripture for today was in Joshua, okay that was too convenient, so I really didn't pay too much to it, BUT then I came on the computer to check my email and about a week ago I signed up for this grief email site, I don't like it so a few days ago I emailed the monitor and asked to have myself removed, he said he would remove me but it would take a few days, okay, well today I received some emails from some of the other posters and usually I delete but today I opened the first one, and low and behold the poster was speaking of her son Eric that passed. So now I am wondering again is this just me in denial, in the fog, looking for something that really isn't there. I don't know what it is but it is comforting in some weird way and amusing.
I am reading a few books from mothers who's child had passed, I find it a comfort to see why I am feeling the way I do, why others react the way they do and how my faith is what is carrying me through, I have have many comments said to me and my children, some hurtful, some not understanding some thoughtful, I have been on their side of the fence so I do know what and how they are thinking about why we are not moving on, but wow what a difference being on this side of the fence. Actually I hate being on this side of the fence, well on with my day.
Hopefully I can get something productive done
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
One month
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6 comments:
I love you!
Jeannette,
I hope it's okay to post here. I love to hear about your "coincidences" with Eric. I believe they are all true and not "denial" or wishful thinking. I believe our loved ones want us to know they are still "here" looking after us, even though it is no longer in the physical sense.
I am glad to hear you have felt at peace having Eric's ashes with you. Peace is a good thing!
Mara
Mara, thank you for posting, I keep this site so that I can release and journel, any thoughts or words from others is always a comfort
Jeannette,
i think all of those signs are truly that, signs for you. don't ever think they are just coincidences or you're stretching to put things together. if you allow yourself to feel and beleive, you will find that Eric is always there with you.
as to the ashes, i never wanted them in my house, but after i saw the girls keep some, i decided to do the same. now i'm glad i did. i have a little candle and some pictures, and we talk all the time. i know my dsd takes her dad's ashes from room to room so she can keep talking to him as she goes about her day. do whatever feels right to you.
as to the journal grief sessions, i would just start right now, on your own. when you actually join a group you will already have stuff written. lots of what you write on the blogs is similar to what you will be doing in the sessions. you have to get this stuff out somehow, not that it will ever go away, but it's helpful to write it down.
i remember Donna saying one time that at least she no longer had to worry about ds, and i know that sounds crass and awful, but she felt like he had some peace. there isn't any way to think that is better than having him here with you, but if you can hold onto the thought that God gives us eternal life with Him with no pain.......i don't know, probably it doesn't help at all, but God is here for you too: you can scream and holler and yell, and ask Him for some understanding, something that will help you get through. the signs are part of that.
keeping you and your family in my heart all the time
sylvia
I think the signs are just that, signs. I've had them, too, after people have passed, and i've been so sad. Seeing the signs made me feel better. Still felt awful, still missed the people like crazy, still felt lonesome, but comforted that i saw signs. it did give me a moment's peace at the least, and when i'm roiled in turmoil, a moment's peace is a huge blessing indeed.
As to the ashes thing, i've heard others say they got comfort from having them around. When my friend's dad died, she had his ashes for awhile, as they were going to inter them at a later time. I stopped by to visit her, and she said, "Say hi to Dad," and pointed over to the urn.
I said, "Hi, Dad," and felt a warm glow. She said she talked to his ashes all the time.
I've had that feeling of having someone in the car with me. Several times at least. The one i remember most vividly happened at night when i got in my VW bug. I felt something touch the back of my seat, the way it would feel if someone were in the back seat trying to adjust himself to fit, and have his knee press against the front seat while doing so.
I looked in the rearview mirror and saw the face of a dearly departed someone. I turned around so shocked and glad to see him. I didn't see him sitting there, but i cried i was so happy to have seen him even for less than a second, and all the way home, i kept feeling a knee pressing into the seat, teasingly, the way a kid does to get on your nerves. Only it didn't get on my nerves, i was just so happy.
I've also found pennies in strange places. I collected pennies as a kid and out of habit, i always check the dates on my coins. I can't tell you how often i'd find pennies with either the birth year of a deceased loved one or the year they died. I did really think it was a pennies from heaven thing, no matter how crazy it might sound to other people.
megan
Jeannette,
Gosh, I had no idea when I posted my last comment that you had lost your son. A very good friend of mine lost her son very suddenly this past spring, and she is finding it very difficult to keep going. He was the oldest of four children, came home from college for the weekend, collapsed on Sunday morning before church. She was away that weekend at her godchild's First Communion. I tell you this because she saw many signs of his presence on her way home after hearing the news. I believe you are in your son's presence too.
I'm praying that peace comes and stays with you.
You are in my thoughts and prayers,
Sharon
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