Gosh September really flew by

I can't believe October is only two days away. Before we blink we will be celebrating a new year.

Today I am sad, I didn't wake up sad, actually I was fine, but without any warning, without any blinking lights, and without permission my mood goes from up to down. That's the way its been, I function, I do daily activities, heck some days I even have fun, but there is always that aching feeling, that feeling that I will explode with emotions so broken that someone will have to glue me back together. Its going to be four months soon, four months of having to remind my self every single day that Eric is dead.

I have to write a thing for my journal class for tomorrow, What role did Eric have in our lives and what role do I feel I need to fill now that he is gone. I don't really have any role that I feel I need to fill. I can't be the brother, I can't be the son, I can't be the uncle that he should of or could have been. I guess the mother-in-law if he ever married, the grandmother?

I miss him, this I know, I miss not calling him when I see a house that looks good to buy, or discussing certain things we use to discuss. I still have his phone, I call it every now and then just to hear his voice mail, just to hear his voice. When I see a white van I look, hey maybe that's Eric driving by, but its not. Every now and then I smell his smell, or I smell funeral flowers, and I know he is near me. Or the bathroom door clicks ever so slightly. (he used the bathroom alot when he was here>)

There is no way to go around this pain, its here and will be for quite sometime, each day I find ways to avoid it, but each day I get brought right back down to it. Knowing I have to face it scares the hell out of me. So I avoid it, I pretend, I ignore, my therapist says that won't work forever. What the heck does she know?

Last week I wanted it all to go away, Boy do I know how Eric felt his last night, you just want to make the pain go away even for just a little while. You just want to find some sort of peace, some kind of medicine to take away this flu type aching symptoms you have.

One bright spot and this actually made me smile and feel good, last week Joshua was acting out at bed time, Now he and Eric had this teasing each other type relationship, well after about two times getting told by his mother to get back to bed, Joshua told his mother that Eric was in their kitchen teasing him. Now Joshua is six so for him to make this up doesn't make sense. And That is so something Eric would do, tease him cause he had to go to bed... It feels good every now and then that Eric makes his presence still known, its not the same as the physical alive Eric but he is here.