Two years and still I am waiting, wondering why I haven't heard from Eric, I see him often in my dreams, I see photos, I find cards he gave me, its a daily mind boggling challenge. I found my flash drive yesterday and decided to see what was on it, I forgot that Kevin put photos from Eric's computer on it, I saw these two and they spoke to me, the top one is one of Eric's last trips to Costa Rica, he really enjoyed that trip, the second photo is almost saying to me "Look Ma" (he called me ma) I am in a peaceful place. look at the beauty around me."
Eric rarely smiled, hate having his photo taken, in these photos he is smiling. He was at peace. I will never know what caused the sadness that took over his heart. Was it a chemical imbalance, was it too many prescription medications, was it the environment he was living in. I will say probably all impacted the final results. It doesn't really matter at this point what the final straw way that caused so much pain in one's soul that sleep was the only answer. A sleep that was permanent, I truly believed he thought someone would find him, this in his mind was a desperate attempt to seek help. He had visited many doctors in the months prior to his death, as he thought he had some sort of disease. Someone who was so troubled by thinking he was terminally ill (he wasn't) would not have gone through so much trouble seeking medical help if he wanted to die. His mind was so troubled, so disoriented, he would call me 2 in the morning to say he was having a panic attack, I would speak calmly to him, and he would then say he was better. He was in a very troubled relationship, he couldn't see that the person he was with was causing most of the dysfunction, he couldn't see that he needed to get away from that person.
Not a day goes by that a thought of Eric, a photo of Eric or a mention of Eric still makes me sad, still takes my breath away. Thoughts can come at the oddest moment, the weirdest time, anything will trigger a memory of when he was little or a conversation, a gift, some day or time that had Eric in it. Is this my mind playing tricks, or is it Eric giving me that thought? I see pennies in oddest places, I like to think Eric is giving me a sign.
I do know I am in a healthier place, but I also know that until the day I die, I will always be thinking of my final day with Eric and how broken his heart was
