I am really torn, hurt and confused, For over 5 years I was an active member of my church. I was and I think still am a lay speaker, I have preached, had bible studies, sent out Christmas cards to each and every one of both churches for the past three years (over 250) sent out numerous encouragement cards, birthday cards, sympathy cards weekly to whomever was on the prayer lists, and well honestly thought I had a decent relationship with most of my church members
Since my son's death, I feel abandon, empty, left in the dark. Like I am a leper with some fungus. Since the day of my son's funeral I have not heard from one person from my churches. I have not heard from the new pastor, (she took over a week later) with the exception of two phone calls. I have not heard from one of the lay speakers (we have 8 of them) Only two people have reached out the church secretary and her mom and even that has been limited, otherwise not a soul has reached out a hand, a phone call, a card. The day of my sons funeral I had a very bad melt down when they were taking the coffin out of the church. One of the congregants came to me during the lunch and said "do you feel better now?" I took that comment hard it was like she felt I overreacted. YOU think?
It has been almost five months. My sister who is a member also says on rare occasion someone will ask how I am doing, one of the lay speakers actually said I would call but I don't know what to say. How about "Gosh Jeannette the church is thinking about you, or How about would you like to go have coffee?" I promise I will write a written statement saying I will not speak of my son if it offends you.
the days up to the funeral my church actually quarreled with Becky's church who offered to do the entire lunch, including set up and bring all the food, MY church took offense to this as they felt they were being intruded upon. Not wow, what a wonderful church to offer such wonderful support but hey this is our church and we don't like intruders.
So yes you guessed it, my church is obviously in need of serious change. I am not sure if the new pastor has been able to incorporate this, I do pray for her as she had many challenges against her. The pastor that was available up until my son's death had to leave because she was having family issues and the powers to be in the church decided it was interfering with her pastoral duties. (which was not true)
So I guess my conflict is what the heck am I suppose to do, find a new church, go back and face the people that let me down? Am I over reacting, should I be the one to turn the other cheek? I love preaching, If I find another church what if I am not allowed, what if they have different policies. Where on earth do I find another church? I know I need to get back into fellowship but how do I do that when I feel as though I am a shadow, part of the wall?
6 comments:
That is very tough. You need to be with a body of believers, but is that the right body for you?
I will pray for direction for you and for them as well.
I am sorry you feel abandoned, but know God will never abandon you. He is holding you in his might hand.
I love you!
Jeannette, I have to pray and think about this before I write much of a post..
One thing I thought though when I read it was,,,wow..have I done that to people ever??? I would hope not. It is not right that they have left you out in the darkness...struggling through this alone..they know you they have been there with you and you with them through other things. Maybe they do feel totally akward. People used to treat me like I had the plague when the question would come up..oh, what did your mom die from..I was blunt and would say..she killed herself. They froze and I felt bad I was so outright blunt about it. They didn't know what say..I didn't know how else to put it but just say it..I was barely 16 at the time and it was not anything I was prepared for and YOU NEVER ARE..DAH people..so I guess I would say this one thing. They have got to forget about their feelings and look at you and know they are your church family and reach out and say, Jeannette, I don't know what to do to help, but I can be here to listen or not listen or drink coffee or just go for a drive or whatever.
You do need a church family, Becky is right. And they may not be the right place for you. If you do go somewhere where women don't preach...you can teach..teach like Beth Moore. (ps,,I sort of think she preaches anyway..in a good way!) There are huge areas for ministry other than the Sunday morning pulpit and you definately have a wonderful gift. I can see that through what you have posted for us to read, your devotionals and sermons..in fact once you sent one for Jer to read and he was VERY impressed and he would say if he wasn't. So your gift is there, maybe just need to find the right avenue to use it..
God will give you the answers when the timing is right..I know so cliche isn't it!!But it is true. He will. There are days I have to remind myself of that as well.
You are in my prayers so very often.
Love, Tina
(clearly I blatted on before I thought and prayed....)
mighty hand that is
My dear sister
I think that people care, but they don't know what to say. They don't realize that just a hug, or a "You doin' okey?" or "I think of you" can mean so much. I am not very involved in a church, and I am not a very social person, so I don't have a wide circle of friends. I have 3 hard core, spill your soul to friends that I knew I could call on. One that I knew I could call day or night and she would be there for me. I have also had a few suprises in people who called, got together with and knew in my gut that they would let me talk if I needed to or not and still be there. They were gifts to me and in a couple of cases, not people that I would have expected to be there. On the flip side, there were people that I thought would be there, who were for the first week and then disappeared into the woodwork. Life is strange.
The biggest blessings in my life were my sons, who were beyond what I would have ever expected. My husband, who didn't say much but we have been together for so long, seemed to know what I needed from him and was there. My mother was a rock for me and we spent hours talking about what happened. We were there for one another. If I had not had her, I think that I would have blown apart at the seams.
I do have a point. It is easy for people to have an idea of what to do at the beginning. There are things that you are supposed to do. It isn't so easy once you are out of the early days and people don't understand how hard it is to deal with a loss that is beyond comprehension. The healing process is slow, painful and I am not sure that it ever totally ends.
Maybe you need to look at other churches and see if you find one that feels right. We want to believe that in church we can find the comfort that should be a reflection of the God that we love. Unfortunately, the churches here on earth are made up of imperfect human beings. Know that I will be praying for you and that God will lead you to the place of worship where you need to be. Have you thought of reaching out and saying, Hey, I could use a hug, I am having a hard time here. Sometimes, people are just not aware and you have to be the one to reach out. Might not be the way that we think it should be, but sometimes, by saying nothing, people have no idea that you need them.
Much prayer for you and all the issues that you are facing. You got sisters!!!! Reach out to us!!
Donna
my comment was too long, now there's a surprise.
I'll email it to you.
xoxo,
megan
Hi Jeannette,
I am late reading this post, but I wanted to write a comment anyway!
What crossed my mind as I was reading your post was perhaps it was time to explore new churches in your area (as Donna also suggested). In doing so, you may find a church that fits you exactly as you are today. Or, you may find you really do miss your current church. People are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I feel the same way about church life. Perhaps by exploring your options, you will give God a chance to show you something new.
Mara :)
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