Life is a big fat bowl full of crap

Sometimes you get a little whip cream and cherries to make it better, but otherwise is Sucks!

One of Eric's dogs passed away at his house last night, we had him at the vet yesterday and nothing eluded to this, Not sure how much more my
family can take, I am really getting tired of the line "Life must go on" as I
do understand that but at what point can you just say "F--- it all"!

And that is all I have to say

One month

This is Eric and Jason, this was the day we had Joshua's bd gathering, it was the first time I ever saw Eric sing, when we sing Happy Birthday it always becomes comedy routine, well the kids were singing it
funny and Eric joined
right in, he was laughing too! Gosh its been one month since Eric has passed. Time went quickly yet it seems to have been standing still. I still keep thinking this is somebody else's family and I am just observing from the side. I have to remind myself that it is Eric that has passed and physically I will never see him again. Thank God for my memories and thoughts of him

The weird thing is every since I brought home his ashes, I feel at peace, or am I just in denial, or just playing dumb. I talk to him, I've put some pictures around his ashes and its almost like he is here with me. I have started having strange occurrences around the house and when I am driving, sometimes it feels like he is sitting next to me as he had done so many times in the past four months. That is when we would talk and I would try to calm him down.
Yesterday I had Becky, Kevin and Samantha, for dinner, we had Sam's boyfriend and Scott and Joshua and Jason as well, I wanted everyone here for the 1 month anniversary, now mind you I don't normally have the radio on while we are eating as one I think its distracting and two I usually can't hear it as the radio is in the kitchen and not in the dining area, well yesterday while I was cooking I put the radio on, I didn't turn it off when we sat to eat, as I was serving the dinner a song came on that we played at Eric's funeral, we all stared at each other and said there was no way that was a coincident..
This morning I was reading my scriptures and writing, I kept saying to myself okay if this is really Eric sending me messages I want to see his name somewhere, (this is going to freak you out) well I know his name is not in the bible (not that I am aware of) but Joshua's middle name is Eric, and sure enough my scripture for today was in Joshua, okay that was too convenient, so I really didn't pay too much to it, BUT then I came on the computer to check my email and about a week ago I signed up for this grief email site, I don't like it so a few days ago I emailed the monitor and asked to have myself removed, he said he would remove me but it would take a few days, okay, well today I received some emails from some of the other posters and usually I delete but today I opened the first one, and low and behold the poster was speaking of her son Eric that passed. So now I am wondering again is this just me in denial, in the fog, looking for something that really isn't there. I don't know what it is but it is comforting in some weird way and amusing.
I am reading a few books from mothers who's child had passed, I find it a comfort to see why I am feeling the way I do, why others react the way they do and how my faith is what is carrying me through, I have have many comments said to me and my children, some hurtful, some not understanding some thoughtful, I have been on their side of the fence so I do know what and how they are thinking about why we are not moving on, but wow what a difference being on this side of the fence. Actually I hate being on this side of the fence, well on with my day.
Hopefully I can get something productive done

Life isn't making much sense

I spoke to a grief counseler the other day, I wanted to sign up for this 7 week writing course. She said it was too soon. That most people wait for at least 4 months for any type of counseling. I wonder why? I would think the sooner you explore and wander through this emotional roller coaster the sooner you can get to the other side. Is there another side?

The past two days have been hard, not sure why, maybe the so called shock that everyone speaks of is wearing off. If thats the case can I have the shock back. I keep thinking what the heck am I going to do if someone else dies while I am in this state. How will I handle it? I pray that Scotts grandfather doesn't pass as I won't be able to help or console anyone. You see I am usually the consoler, the one that supplies the humor, the one that gives what I can to make others feel better.

Yesterday I went to pick up Eric's ashes, I have been avoiding it as I didn't know what to expect. Well let me tell you, I thought when I saw Eric lying on a table cold and lifeless that was the worse. Nope picking up what use to be your child in a small box is even worse.

If anyone can think back to a time when your child was lost in a store, or didn't come home and you didn't know where they were, or they got into a fender bender, imagine that loss of breath and pain you felt of the uncertainty, the not knowing if they were okay, mulitply that by 100 times. only in those cases the end was okay, in this case you feel like you can't breath, your heart is not whole anymore. You know you have other children that need you now but most of your energy is spent just existing on a minute to minute basis.

I just want my son to come through the door, I want to say I am sorry for leaving you, that I should have stayed home. I thought you would be okay, until I got back what on earth was I thinking.

I don't understand this life I am in, I really don't. I know I am here for a purpose, but for what. My life started with turmoil and crap. I grew up with pain and suffering, abuse, I was told to be strong that it would make me a better person, but I wasn't being strong I was just hiding all the pain, then I became an adult and continued with turmoil and stupidty And now my children are hurting because of my life. So what is my purpose, to cause pain to others?

"Life is God's gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to God. Make
it a fantastic one."

Enjoy the beauty of today, for tomorrow might not come

Cleaning up the mess

This is bullet and lemmy, they are so sweet and loving, really really big lap dogs. I have no clue what to do with them, no one in our family can take them as they are really big and not sure how they would be around young children. But sweet and loving is an understatement. Unless you are a rabbit, squirrel or other four legged creature.

Gosh what things we have to do to fix all of this mess that was put into our lives. Selling a house, cleaning it out, finding homes for the dogs, selling cars. Yes I am angry this should not be what I have to do. I don't want this mess, no one asked me if I wanted this.

This is a photo of Eric at sixteen and Samantha at 4, she was starting preschool.. I always thought this photo was cute because of the differences in heights






A couple of months before Samantha turned 14 I wrote to all the friends and family that knew her, I wanted to make a scrap book of comments, advice and thoughts to give her on her birthday.
This was from Eric, he didn't actually type it, he told me what to write and then he signed it.

(no comments about my hair or my pants please! gosh I was in true mom mode)
If you click on the photo it will open bigger

Life is still moving

yet I am not. I am in survivor mode. Some say it will take a year before you can even start to feel again. A year, no way I can't live like this for a year. I can honestly say this is the absolute worse feeling ever. It feels like the part of me that gave birth to Eric was ripped out of my soul. The tears come, there is no rhyme or reason. I just know boxes of tissues will be bought and kept in all places.

The other day I saw a white van, anytime I saw a white van I would look at the driver to see if it was Eric, I did the same as usual, and then I had to pull over and cry. I realized that it would never be Eric again.

We went to church on Sunday as a family, the mass was for Eric, it wasn't our church nor was it our religion. But we went, I realize now in my mind I must have thought Eric would be there, or somehow maybe he would be brought back to life. Goodness the mind really does play awful tricks on you when its broken.

I hate being in this fog of pain. I wish there was a fast forward button, the sad thing is I have a feeling this is only the sample of what is to come. We still have so much to deal with and its only been two weeks.

Becky says on her blog she likes to sleep, I do understand that feeling, sleep even for a short while lets you forget. Only now my sleep comes with panic attacks, bad dreams and Eric reaching out to me. Sometimes I hear my cell phone ringing, I wake up to answer only it never really rang.

Well lets see how today goes...at least I have Joshua with me to keep me busy and to listen too, I won't be able to talk as he doesn't leave much air space for anyone else to speak..