Wednesday is Erics Birthday

Happy Birthday Eric!

We love you, we know your around we can feel your presence

Thank you God for giving me 32 years with Eric

Tomorrow is Samantha's 20th Birthday!

so in celebration and because I am such a proud mom this post is dedicated strictly to her ---Samantha is a gift from God to me. You see, after I married Samantha's dad in 1985, I got pregnant with Adam, Adam for whatever reason was born without any lungs and he was also born as what they call dwarfism. He only lived for a month before he passed. About 3-4 months later I got pregnant again. In about my fifth month it was determined that the baby I was carrying was once again going to die, so I had a theraputic abortion. This was so painful and scary as I actually had to deliver the baby even though it was dead. She was a girl, and secretly I named her Sara. This was Not something I was proud of, but I did not want Eric, Becky & Kevin and everyone else to go through the same heartache again. For whatever reason the combined genes of myself and my then husband was causing this. In 1989 I once again got pregnant, I did not plan on this, nor did I know I was pregnant until about the 3rd month. When I called the High risk obgyn that I had with the last pregnancy he said quote unquote, "I have a good feeling about this pregnancy" and that was before he even saw me or saw any tests. And so on Sept 6, 1989, Samantha arrived. Healthy and beautiful. And so it began, 20 wonderful years with a gift from God, that when she smiles and laughs it lights up a room.

Yikes

It's really weird some days I have to remind myself that Eric is gone. I guess that is the brain protecting me. Yet there isn't an hour that I don't think of him. I called his cell phone yesterday just to hear his voice. I wish he left more than just saying his name as his message. Sleep doesn't come easy actually I find myself falling asleep and then waking up moments later. I don't think I have gotten a good night sleep since June. My mind loves to play all sorts of songs, thoughts and scenarios just to keep me awake. I sleep with the remote as I have to turn the tv on just to focus on one thing.
I do see that as an addition to dealing with pain and grief I am also going into full blown meno pause. Like are you freaking kidding me. Life couldn't give me a time out on the meno for a year or two. So my moods and emotions are everywhere at times and I don't know if its from grief, hormones or a combo. And lets not forget the wonderful sauna feeling in between.
But let me say God is good, he has a plan, and a purpose for me.. (can you hear the sarcasim?)

Today I have Joshua and Jason, it is raining so I will think of an indoor activity somewhere someplace that will give them a chance to release energy and have fun. They will at least keep me distracted and give me other thoughts to tangle with instead of Eric. (sorry Eric you can't always be on the front burner)

Enjoy your weekend

Jason and Joshua

First day of Co-op, my precious grandsons are homeschooled, I was very hesitant at first but both are thriving and doing well. I am so proud of them

time warp

That's what it feels like, I am stuck in a time warp. Life is moving, I am moving but where am I going? Life just feels like a big bowl of emptiness.

Yesterday was a relive it day, Samantha posted on her face book page "she didn't want to be Samantha anymore" well that just renewed all the anxiety and scared feelings. Everything surfaced and boy was it ever painful. I was at work and trying not to cry at work is a big challenge. I wanted to leave but that is not always possible either

Becky went and sat with Samantha, and that may have put a band aid on her feelings but her feelings are so raw and well I guess just like the rest of my kids. Empty, hurt, sad, feeling alone,

she thinks because she is 19 she is an adult, does she not know that even at 50 we are not completely adults. She keeps saying she needs to handle this on her own, I asked her "how is that working for you"

How on earth do you handle this on your own when you have no idea what or how, where is the instruction booklet on how to handle death, especially a family member that takes their own life?

I still haven't rapped my head around Eric being dead, its so surreal, so weird, like i will wake up and its a bad bad dream

Anyways back to Samantha, She said to me that she didn't know who she was anymore or what or how she was suppose to be, she pretty much summed up exactly my feelings.

Oh and I swear if one more person says to me "one day at a time" I promise I am going to hurt someone or something. Like seriously who can do more than one day at a time, who can do three days at a time? What a stupid, stupid phrase-- and "baby steps" no seriously like did I do giant steps before? Okay guess I am trying to insert some sort of humor, its not really working is it?

My feelings are all over the place and some days I pretend life is the same, other days it hits me like a sucker punch. Today is the sucker punch day, yesterday started and most likely will stay this way for a few days. That's the crappy part, life is so priceless and here I am stuck in a time warp with raw, unpredictable, scary, pain feelings.

Well maybe I will feel better after I go buy three new kitty litter boxes and fill them and then remove all the lovely presents one of the cats left for me all over the basement, yup that's a sure fire way to improve ones mood

oh gosh I am so all over the map today

Just for thought

Everything comes from God alone.Everything lives by His power,and everything
is for His glory. Romans 11:36

Its not about you. You were made by God and for God. Life is about letting God use you for His purposes. Do you know God's purpose for your life? Do you understand how all the pieces of your life fit together? Have you become what God created you to be? God made you for a reason and your life has profound meaning. Nothing matters more than knowing God's purposes for your life, and nothing can compensate for not knowing them. There are eternal consequences to what you do with your life. Major changes, delayed promises, impossible problems, unanswered prayers, underserved criticism, and even senseless tragedies will test you.

Give God yourself.
Life is not about you. Prayer is not about you. Prayer was made by God and for God. Begin each day with God. Ask God for wisdom. Ask God to direct your steps. Pray that His will be done in your life. Every time you trust God's wisdom and do whatever he says, even when you don't understand it, you deepen your friendship with God. Problems force us to look to God and depend on Him instead of ourselves. I pray that God will be glorified in our lives and in His church, both now and forever.

God,

I need some outside help today

I want so much to be free, but I don't feel free

I know it all in my head that your life is living in me, and that my life is a miracle,

But in my heart it seems as if life is pressing in on me, and squeezing me, until I feel empty and limp.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He
lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a
rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
Psalm 40:2