uggh

As I write this I have a feeling the tears will flow, good thing its not paper otherwise it would get all stained and mucky

This has been a rough week. First there is much needed work to be done at the temple with the High Holidays and can I just say the usually nice, calm, level headed lady that I usually work with was replaced by some overstressed, emotional demon. WOW is all I can say I am glad its almost over and we can get back to our smooth and comfortable work place.

Wednesday I had a therapy session, and then at night I went to a grief journaling class. IT is a 9 week class. This class brought me down, very down. I feel so alone. I know there are many around me, yet I feel alone. At home I am often alone as Scott is always out, and when he is here well not much communication or any sort of emotional support. I suppose he is not sure what or how to reach me.

Anyways, I felt so bad after I left this group. There was about 20 people who lost someone, whether it be a spouse, a parent, a sibling. But there was one lady, who just sat there and cried, and just to look at her face I knew. I knew by the glazed, empty look on her face that she lost a child. I could not look at her. And when we went around the room to express who we lost I couldn't look at her. I knew I would be looking at me. I knew I should have reached out to her during the break, she just lost her son in August, he was 23, and he too gave up his life. For the rest of the session I just looked at the table, I did not want to look at anyone. The rest of the group was showing emotion, crying, etc: me I couldn't I just sat there staring at the table. Honestly, I didn't want to hear about anyone else's pain or suffering. Gosh that is so not like me, I feel so selfish and uncaring. Even in a room of twenty I felt alone. It was like the usual humored, caring Jeannette left the room and in her place sat this uncaring, unemotional bag of yuck.

My therapist wants to know how I am handling the grief. Honestly I am not handling the grief, I think somehow I am stuck in the back of my mind and I am in pretend mode. Only that's not working too well as I think its starting to creep to the front burner and I am afraid the fire will be very powerful. Maybe that's it, I don't want to deal with the pain. That pain hurts and is strong and it cripples you. I don't like that feeling. Yesterday I came home and went to bed, at 4 pm. I stayed there and only just got up an hour ago. Now my back hurts and I have a migraine. And I am sad and once again alone as Scott left to go who knows where. He probably is glad he has places to go. after all when he is here we both just skirt around each other. What a happy place to be...

I had to include this photo, just as Scott began to take the photo I gave my mom a rasberry. See how proud I was I am the baby of the family can you tell?

My two sisters and I and my mom, we were having lunch for all our birthday's. My moms bd is Sept 6th, mine is the 5th, and my one sister in the black shirt, (barbara) is the 12th. But wait, Samantha's is the 6th, my niece in NC is the 6th, Erics is the 9th, my husbands gf is the 8th, Scotts brothers is the 12th. My niece in NC is the 15th.

Scott came with us, I never know how I am going to feel so I bring him with me most places.

this past weekend we had a surprise BD party for my sister Barbara, it was nice to see her smiling, she really was surprised up until the last minute or two. We have four milestones this year, Samantha is 20, Becky is turning 30 in Oct, Barbara turned 60 and my mom turned 85..

wow they are all getting older, not me I am still in my 30's. ha ha

Wednesday is Erics Birthday

Happy Birthday Eric!

We love you, we know your around we can feel your presence

Thank you God for giving me 32 years with Eric

Tomorrow is Samantha's 20th Birthday!

so in celebration and because I am such a proud mom this post is dedicated strictly to her ---Samantha is a gift from God to me. You see, after I married Samantha's dad in 1985, I got pregnant with Adam, Adam for whatever reason was born without any lungs and he was also born as what they call dwarfism. He only lived for a month before he passed. About 3-4 months later I got pregnant again. In about my fifth month it was determined that the baby I was carrying was once again going to die, so I had a theraputic abortion. This was so painful and scary as I actually had to deliver the baby even though it was dead. She was a girl, and secretly I named her Sara. This was Not something I was proud of, but I did not want Eric, Becky & Kevin and everyone else to go through the same heartache again. For whatever reason the combined genes of myself and my then husband was causing this. In 1989 I once again got pregnant, I did not plan on this, nor did I know I was pregnant until about the 3rd month. When I called the High risk obgyn that I had with the last pregnancy he said quote unquote, "I have a good feeling about this pregnancy" and that was before he even saw me or saw any tests. And so on Sept 6, 1989, Samantha arrived. Healthy and beautiful. And so it began, 20 wonderful years with a gift from God, that when she smiles and laughs it lights up a room.

Yikes

It's really weird some days I have to remind myself that Eric is gone. I guess that is the brain protecting me. Yet there isn't an hour that I don't think of him. I called his cell phone yesterday just to hear his voice. I wish he left more than just saying his name as his message. Sleep doesn't come easy actually I find myself falling asleep and then waking up moments later. I don't think I have gotten a good night sleep since June. My mind loves to play all sorts of songs, thoughts and scenarios just to keep me awake. I sleep with the remote as I have to turn the tv on just to focus on one thing.
I do see that as an addition to dealing with pain and grief I am also going into full blown meno pause. Like are you freaking kidding me. Life couldn't give me a time out on the meno for a year or two. So my moods and emotions are everywhere at times and I don't know if its from grief, hormones or a combo. And lets not forget the wonderful sauna feeling in between.
But let me say God is good, he has a plan, and a purpose for me.. (can you hear the sarcasim?)

Today I have Joshua and Jason, it is raining so I will think of an indoor activity somewhere someplace that will give them a chance to release energy and have fun. They will at least keep me distracted and give me other thoughts to tangle with instead of Eric. (sorry Eric you can't always be on the front burner)

Enjoy your weekend

Jason and Joshua

First day of Co-op, my precious grandsons are homeschooled, I was very hesitant at first but both are thriving and doing well. I am so proud of them

time warp

That's what it feels like, I am stuck in a time warp. Life is moving, I am moving but where am I going? Life just feels like a big bowl of emptiness.

Yesterday was a relive it day, Samantha posted on her face book page "she didn't want to be Samantha anymore" well that just renewed all the anxiety and scared feelings. Everything surfaced and boy was it ever painful. I was at work and trying not to cry at work is a big challenge. I wanted to leave but that is not always possible either

Becky went and sat with Samantha, and that may have put a band aid on her feelings but her feelings are so raw and well I guess just like the rest of my kids. Empty, hurt, sad, feeling alone,

she thinks because she is 19 she is an adult, does she not know that even at 50 we are not completely adults. She keeps saying she needs to handle this on her own, I asked her "how is that working for you"

How on earth do you handle this on your own when you have no idea what or how, where is the instruction booklet on how to handle death, especially a family member that takes their own life?

I still haven't rapped my head around Eric being dead, its so surreal, so weird, like i will wake up and its a bad bad dream

Anyways back to Samantha, She said to me that she didn't know who she was anymore or what or how she was suppose to be, she pretty much summed up exactly my feelings.

Oh and I swear if one more person says to me "one day at a time" I promise I am going to hurt someone or something. Like seriously who can do more than one day at a time, who can do three days at a time? What a stupid, stupid phrase-- and "baby steps" no seriously like did I do giant steps before? Okay guess I am trying to insert some sort of humor, its not really working is it?

My feelings are all over the place and some days I pretend life is the same, other days it hits me like a sucker punch. Today is the sucker punch day, yesterday started and most likely will stay this way for a few days. That's the crappy part, life is so priceless and here I am stuck in a time warp with raw, unpredictable, scary, pain feelings.

Well maybe I will feel better after I go buy three new kitty litter boxes and fill them and then remove all the lovely presents one of the cats left for me all over the basement, yup that's a sure fire way to improve ones mood

oh gosh I am so all over the map today